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FAQ

Enigmatic, mysterious, cryptic, and perplexing as I am, people often find themselves full of serious questions regarding my nature.  To that end, I’ve decided to put the most frequently-asked questions here, on this webpage, where I will answer them.

Who is Chris Braak?

This is a really stupid question, because I’ve got a whole page entitled “Who Is Chris Braak?” and you must have seen it when you clicked on this link.

Where do you get your ideas?

As a writer, I’m often asked this question, and the answer is simple:  I don’t.  No writer actually has original ideas, we just steal them from other people.  I take most of mine from Harlan Ellison, not because I like them especially, but because I know it pisses him off.

What’s this about?  And this?

Oh.  Yeah.  I’m also a famous stage actor.

Is all that stuff about you being Emperor of the Moon true?

Yes.

Really?

Yes.

You mention in your biography that you’re very handsome.  How handsome are you, exactly?

Well, I don’t know you, or any of your friends, but I think that I can safely say with no danger of contradiction that I am more handsome than anyone you know.

What’s the deal with your website?

What do you mean?

Well, it’s not really a website at all, is it?  It’s just a WordPress blog that you’ve sort of repurposed.

That’s a kind of website.

But not a good kind.  Are you too cheap to pay for real web hosting?  Or can you just not figure out how to use Dreamweaver?

Oh, I can use Dreamweaver.  Believe me, I can weave the shit out of those dreams.

Do you even know what Dreamweaver is?

You know what?  I don’t need to take this.  Who the hell are you, anyway?  This is some bullshit.  Some bullshit questioning right here.

It’s a serious question.  Authors nowadays need to be up-to-date with technology.  How do you think you’re going to compete if you can barely get some half-assed wordpress blog running?

That’s it.  This interview is over.

This isn’t even an interview!  This whole thing is just an exercise in self-aggrandizement!

Done!  I’m done!  I am leaving.  This is me, going OUT THE DOOR.

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