Enigmatic, mysterious, cryptic, and perplexing as I am, people often find themselves full of serious questions regarding my nature. To that end, I’ve decided to put the most frequently-asked questions here, on this webpage, where I will answer them.
Who is Chris Braak?
This is a really stupid question, because I’ve got a whole page entitled “Who Is Chris Braak?” and you must have seen it when you clicked on this link.
Where do you get your ideas?
As a writer, I’m often asked this question, and the answer is simple: I don’t. No writer actually has original ideas, we just steal them from other people. I take most of mine from Harlan Ellison, not because I like them especially, but because I know it pisses him off.
Oh. Yeah. I’m also a famous stage actor.
Is all that stuff about you being Emperor of the Moon true?
You mention in your biography that you’re very handsome. How handsome are you, exactly?
Well, I don’t know you, or any of your friends, but I think that I can safely say with no danger of contradiction that I am more handsome than anyone you know.
What’s the deal with your website?
What do you mean?
Well, it’s not really a website at all, is it? It’s just a WordPress blog that you’ve sort of repurposed.
That’s a kind of website.
But not a good kind. Are you too cheap to pay for real web hosting? Or can you just not figure out how to use Dreamweaver?
Oh, I can use Dreamweaver. Believe me, I can weave the shit out of those dreams.
Do you even know what Dreamweaver is?
You know what? I don’t need to take this. Who the hell are you, anyway? This is some bullshit. Some bullshit questioning right here.
It’s a serious question. Authors nowadays need to be up-to-date with technology. How do you think you’re going to compete if you can barely get some half-assed wordpress blog running?
That’s it. This interview is over.
This isn’t even an interview! This whole thing is just an exercise in self-aggrandizement!
Done! I’m done! I am leaving. This is me, going OUT THE DOOR.